Learnings from a Professional Divorce Doula — Coalitions and Founding Teams
I’ve been divorced doula-ing quite a bit in the last few weeks. Coalitions separating, founding teams breaking up, layoffs for orgs who philanthropy lost the 2020 energy to fund underrepresented leaders and their institutions — difficult terrain. My role has been to make sure hurt does not convert to harm — all causing lots of separations across multiracial and multicultural institutions.
I wanted to write up a few thoughts about separation in a professional and community context. I’m gonna start with the breaking up of coalitions and founding teams.
I find a very common thing happens when coalitions and founding teams come together. Everyone is so excited someone else care about an issue as much as you do, and folks don’t ask key questions like:
* Do you have a belief in inside game or outside game? (If you operate between the two, what do you lean towards when in need of comfort?)
* Do you have any defining beliefs about the issue or product at hand?
* What tradeoffs would we have to make to be in community or coalition together?
* What level of priority will this take in your life? Job? Etc.
This means friction comes because you discover a belief or limitation, as a result of working together, that you can’t compromise on. Whether that is the breaking of a commitment or the discovering a difference of belief, you break because it can no longer be negotiated.
That being said, many of us hold on way longer than we should because we think we can fix it. This is when hurt converts to harm. It is professional codependency where we can’t move on because we are invested in the other person changing not just our own participation.
The other reason we struggle is we don’t want to admit that over time, one party may develop more power. We pretend that power doesn’t exist. This leads to the person with more formal power not accepting they have more responsibility in the relationship.
One, I think it breakups you need someone not in the chain of power to facilitate breaking up. Doing it yourself is a recipe for harm (Philanthropy, funding this facilitation/chaplain-ing is important). A person who is not impacted by one person “winning”.
Two, breaking up should have mourning/grieving ritual. These streets are lonely, and separating because you can’t find each other is sad. There is a way to be sad without converting it into anger but it requires a specified time for sadness. Do it individually and collectively. The point is to be disciplined in your grieving instead of it being haphazardly released/ I have had folks tell each other the greatest lesson they’ve learned, what they would do again, what they wouldn’t repeat. This allows for an accounting that helps you be honest about wanting or not wanting repair.
Three, an arrangement that respects the energy and dedication everyone has put into solving the issue should be made. When we get here, usually the person with more power will take a “This is what we can do, stay or leave is up to you” and folks still want to work on the issue. You created resources together, those resources should be divided if the person is going to continue to do the work. If they aren’t, then there should be some level of personal restitution to heal. In truth, when you come together, you should create a coalition or founding team “pre-nump”. Make those call when you all are still invigorated by each other. Not when things are fizzling.
